Xiaoxiao Xuzhou City, Jiangsu Province
Due to the needs of the church’s work, I was reallocated to another place to fulfill my duty. At the time, the gospel work at that place was at a low ebb, and the situation of brothers and sisters was generally not good. But because I was touched by the Holy Spirit, I still took on everything that was entrusted with full confidence. After accepting the entrustment, I felt full of responsibility, full of enlightenment, and even thought I had quite a bit of resolve. I believed I was capable and could perform this job well. In reality, at the time I had no knowledge whatsoever of the work of the Holy Spirit or my own nature. I was living completely in self-satisfaction and self-admiration.
Right when I was brimming with self-pride, I met a brother at a host family who was in charge of the work. He asked me about the situation regarding my work, and I answered his questions one by one while thinking: He will surely admire my work abilities and my unique insights. But never did I expect that after listening to my responses, he not only did not nod in appreciation, he said that my work was inadequate, that personnel has not really been mobilized properly, that I haven’t achieved any results, and so forth. Watching his dissatisfied expression and listening to his assessment of my work, my heart suddenly felt cold. I thought: “He says my work is inadequate? If I haven’t achieved any results, then to what extent will I have to go for it to count as achieving results? It should be good enough that I haven’t resented this rotten task and was willing to take it on, and yet he says I haven’t done a good job.” I was very defiant in my heart and felt so wronged that tears nearly started falling. Those defiant, dissatisfied and rebellious things inside me shot straight to the surface: My caliber can only achieve this much; I’ve done my best anyway, so if I’m inadequate then they might as well find someone else…. My heart was feeling extremely uncomfortable and I was at a loss, unsure of what to make of it, and so I was unable to hear a word he said after that. In those few days, my situation went from brimming with self-pride to feeling depressed and disheartened, from being very pleased with myself to having a stomach full of grievances. A sense of loss engulfed me. … Amid the darkness, I remembered God’s words: “Peter sought to live out the image of one who loves God, to be someone who obeyed God, to be someone who accepted dealing and pruning …” (“Success or Failure Depends on the Path That Man Walks” in The Word Appears in the Flesh). What about me? All someone did was criticize me a little, say my work was not good enough, and I felt upset and wanted to quit my job. Is this a person who is willing to accept dealing and pruning? Is this seeking to love God like Peter? Isn’t what I have revealed what God resents? Not wanting others to say I didn’t do good enough and only wanting to receive the praise and recognition of others—isn’t that the basest of pursuits? In that moment, I had a ray of light in my heart, so I opened up The Word Appears in the Flesh and saw such a passage: “It would be best for you to devote more effort on the truth of knowing the self. Why have you not found favor with God? Why is your disposition abominable to Him? Why are your words loathsome to Him? You praise yourselves for your little loyalty and want reward for your small sacrifice; you look down upon others when you show a bit obedience, and become contemptuous of God upon performing some petty work. … A humanity such as yours is really offensive to speak of or hear. What is praiseworthy of your words and actions? … Do you not find this laughable? Surely you know that you believe in God, yet you cannot be compatible with God. Surely you know that you are unworthy, yet you remain boastful. Do you not feel that your sense has become such that you no longer have self-control? How can you with such sense be fit for association with God? Now are you not afraid for yourselves? Your disposition has already become such that you cannot be compatible with God. Is your faith not preposterous? Is your faith not absurd? How will you deal with your future? How will you choose the path to travel down?” (“Those Incompatible With Christ Are Surely Opponents of God” in The Word Appears in the Flesh). God’s words shot through my essence like a sharp sword, rendering me speechless. I was deeply ashamed and overcome with embarrassment. My reasons and my inner struggles vanished like smoke in thin air. In that instant, I experienced the power and authority of God’s word deep in my heart. Through the revelations of God’s word, I finally got to know myself: In the fulfillment of my duty I did not constantly strive for perfection to achieve the best results in order to satisfy God, but was instead content with the status quo and felt very pleased with myself. God says, “… man will ever be as infants before God.” Yet, I not only failed to recognize that my own situation would be resented by God, I even felt wronged when someone criticized me. I really was ignorant and unreasonable! I was always looking for praise for doing a little work, and as soon as it wasn’t received, all my energy would be gone; I sulked petulantly when my efforts were questioned instead of appreciated. At that moment, I saw my face of hypocrisy. I saw that the fulfillment of my duty came with demands and transactions and was full of impurities. It was not for satisfying God or repaying His love, but for ulterior motives.